write and recharge my battery

I have been…

Running more lately.

Reading more lately.

Working out more lately.

I am becoming better in many things – finishing homework before bedtime, being on time for work and classes, being open to advice from others, and changing those few bad habits bit by bit every day.

But the weather has not been nice to me. It takes all my energy, leaving me with this emotion mess. But I assume there are still ways to get out of it without moving to somewhere warmer.

Be optimistic.

That sounds counterintuitive, I know! But isn’t that all we need to be happy? It’s truly hard for an introvert like me to work in groups and talk with people at work and class all day long. I always imagine that every second when I open my mouth to speak, my energy slips out of my body.

That does not mean I will lock myself up forever to preserve my energy. I think after a while, a long while of encountering people for different reasons, I have learned to expand my limitation. I still need time to think through things before sharing them with teammates, but I also learned to initiate conversations in groups. Those “turn to your neighbors and discuss this problem” no longer seems to be annoying, but rather a way for me to use my energy sufficiently to learn from friends, I suppose.

Today, I read this great, great paper of a guy in his English Composition class. What I loved about it was how his sentences were fragmented, but they also connected so well. The structure was not something teachers teach at school, but it’s how he communicate with English, with the world. And that fascinated me.

Today, I realized that there is always this feeling in me that bothers me so much. That I am different stops me from telling those who care for me my thoughts. I always assume people will judge me for who I am and for what I do.

I never get to test if that is true. I might be able to find joy in those moments of sharing, but may I have a little bit more time? More time for me to process my thoughts, to be sure of what I think, to keep those precious thinkings for myself.

Because they’re all I have.

Those words you said, they hurt me. I would love to walk instead of taking the Uber, because I think it’s a great way to be closer with nature and with my mind. Yes, you might say I make way more money than you and I am stingy, but forty-five minutes walking under that cozy weather energizes me. I know there were other ways to do things, but I wanted to use that walking-running time to talk more with my housemate. Perspectives are dangerous and are something you cannot judge. So I beg you, for once, just listen to me, and that’s it.

Fragments

Kintsugi – the art of precious scars



As such a perfectionist, I usually aim for wholeness, without actually perceiving the beauty of being broken. That these pieces fallen apart are what make the story of my life. 

Good night, because the day is almost over. You and I. Broken but still – beautiful. 

Mini cocoa mug

It is beautiful the way it is.

Saturday’s afternoon – a day for relaxation, a day for friendships to grow.

But when it comes to art, music, or knowledge, I often spend time on my own. I want to step out of the crowd to enjoy them myself.

We went to CreativiTea in Fair Heaven, and together each of us decorated a pottery cup. My very first idea was to draw the universe, for I love the Sun, the planets and stars so much. I painted it half black and half white, but it did not turn out the way I wanted it to be. I looked around and saw how my friends had creative ideas, and their mugs are cute with pandas, cactus, or roses. Others chose to make things simple like writing their names. All are cure. Except mine.

I struggled for more than 2 hours. I couldn’t draw details because I couldn’t control the amount of paint on my mug. So I put layers on top of each other – black, white, and black and white. In my mind, I would have to use this mug for maybe the rest of my life, so I want it to be cute so that whenever I see it, I’m happy that I have made one. Therefore, I aimed for perfection. And I felt jealous about people around me.

At the end, my name appeared on the mug without any universe. It is actually how I wanted it to be at last. However, the main purpose of going to CreativiTea – to hang out with friends – I did not achieve. I should have talked to my friends more. I should have complimented them with their artsy mugs, because it showed their beautiful souls, rather than focusing on my own. At the end of the day, it’s not the physical works that make me feel happy about my day, but it’s the spiritual relationship that I was supposed to tighten with my people.

“It’s beautiful the way it is.”

That was what my friend told me when I complained about my own mini cocoa mug. It’s beautiful because we have been there together, not because we made something perfect.

I should have understood it sooner. The moment I walked into CreativiTea.