A work of art

Another day of snow. A good time to write, I guess.

I would start with this:

If someone watch a day of your life on mute, what message would it speak? Would it look like a work of art?

My answer is yes and no. I cannot actually imagine my life on mute or imagine myself watching it, so I cannot actually tell.

I said yes because a big part of my life doesn’t have any sound, so it doesn’t matter if it’s on mute or not, because it would just be the same. Those are times when I read and write. When I walk and run. When I stop in the middle of the street to take photos of things. My thoughts are processed inside my head, and more than half of them is hidden. So I guess there would be no changes at all if it’s on mute. I wonder if it’s a work of art, though. I said yes because those moments when I do things alone, I direct my thinking towards God, and that’s how we define the work of art here. I pray while walking. I talk to God while doing daily things. I read the Words of God and write to praise Him. I proudly say yes, I create art for Him.

But still, there is a “no” part of it. My friend said all sins are the same in the eyes of God. It doesn’t matter if you lie or you hurt someone, because they’re all the same. They are all bad. That’s all we need to know. And as humans, we are sinful. We never learn to love our enemies. We don’t always choose God over our wants. We are given free will by God, and we thank Him by using it for ourselves, pushing us away from Him.

When my life’s on mute, I would say there will be just so many moments when I destroy my own work of art. My facial expression when I’m angry. My steps when I did not want to go to church. My ‘hunger’ (I believe that’s the right word to say this) for money when I work more than I need to. Those little things. They pile up, and eventually when I don’t notice, they destroy my piece of art.

I realize that there are just always more and more things for me to improve on in my life, or to be more artistic. I can become a better version of myself yesterday, I can just keep wanting to be better, because there would be no day that I’ll perfect. Walking step by step with Jesus is hard, but I guess the reward is worthy. Every community needs artists who are willing to live their lives towards God.

I don’t fully understand what the work of at actually is about. I would say that it’s when I love not only the person who loves me, but also my enemies. I would say that it’s when I try my best for the kingdom, not for myself. I don’t actually know.

Or maybe we don’t ever need to actually understand. The goal is to be more like God, not to be God.

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I would end with, “I don’t know”.

It’s who you are.

It’s getting colder every day, and I am surprised about how well I have known this place.

I moved here a year ago, in tears. I wasn’t happy about this change, because I went to a good high school in Vietnam where I met all the soulmates I had ever wished for. And leaving all those memories behind was as hard as getting a cold shower on a cold day. I could do that, it was just too hard and not worth it. Jet lags, moving in, friendship, family, etc. all those things kept me from being happy. I cried a lot, and it was hard to find friends also because most of the people I know did not have the same interest as I had (indeed not many people like the same things I do). Those first days, months, and years were the transition. I told my mom I would not want my sister to leave the family at the age of sixteen, just simply because these changes would be too sensitive and she wouldn’t even an adult yet.

I thought about all those external forces that kept me from happiness.

Until I understood it who I am that makes the difference.

I was that student who went to school and went back home right after my last classes. I went home early and rested, while my housemate always took the late bus home. I supposed I was taking care of myself by sleeping a decent amount of sleep, but after a while I realized I could have done more than that.

I could have stayed after class for a while to talk to my friends. I could have played Frisbee and at the same time get to know other people. I just didn’t do that, because I didn’t have the gut to step out of my comfort zone and look around. I have missed so many, so many things before I realize they won’t last forever.

I didn’t know I was better than what I thought about myself. I wasn’t just a nerd, or just an introvert. I was someone who understand greater things other than textbooks – people, and I was someone who know deeper feelings other than just her own. I got involved more in clubs and classes. I talked more and noticed more. Instead of staying in the library doing home work while having lunch, I would sit in the dining hall so that others would see me and talk to me. These little changes that I made for myself worked and led me to have closer friends who know me on a deeper level and whom I shared more of myself.

My current school would have been different. I wouldn’t feel the joy of going to school if it is not a community that embraces me whenever I am there. But this joy is what I seek, because I challenge myself a little every day to step out of my comfort zone, to stop reading books (although I still) and start reading people.

I see great stories in people’s eyes, and I know this is a great choice.

No matter where I would end up being, I have earned great experiences that I would want to make the community I am going to a home.