write and recharge my battery

I have been…

Running more lately.

Reading more lately.

Working out more lately.

I am becoming better in many things – finishing homework before bedtime, being on time for work and classes, being open to advice from others, and changing those few bad habits bit by bit every day.

But the weather has not been nice to me. It takes all my energy, leaving me with this emotion mess. But I assume there are still ways to get out of it without moving to somewhere warmer.

Be optimistic.

That sounds counterintuitive, I know! But isn’t that all we need to be happy? It’s truly hard for an introvert like me to work in groups and talk with people at work and class all day long. I always imagine that every second when I open my mouth to speak, my energy slips out of my body.

That does not mean I will lock myself up forever to preserve my energy. I think after a while, a long while of encountering people for different reasons, I have learned to expand my limitation. I still need time to think through things before sharing them with teammates, but I also learned to initiate conversations in groups. Those “turn to your neighbors and discuss this problem” no longer seems to be annoying, but rather a way for me to use my energy sufficiently to learn from friends, I suppose.

Today, I read this great, great paper of a guy in his English Composition class. What I loved about it was how his sentences were fragmented, but they also connected so well. The structure was not something teachers teach at school, but it’s how he communicate with English, with the world. And that fascinated me.

Today, I realized that there is always this feeling in me that bothers me so much. That I am different stops me from telling those who care for me my thoughts. I always assume people will judge me for who I am and for what I do.

I never get to test if that is true. I might be able to find joy in those moments of sharing, but may I have a little bit more time? More time for me to process my thoughts, to be sure of what I think, to keep those precious thinkings for myself.

Because they’re all I have.

Those words you said, they hurt me. I would love to walk instead of taking the Uber, because I think it’s a great way to be closer with nature and with my mind. Yes, you might say I make way more money than you and I am stingy, but forty-five minutes walking under that cozy weather energizes me. I know there were other ways to do things, but I wanted to use that walking-running time to talk more with my housemate. Perspectives are dangerous and are something you cannot judge. So I beg you, for once, just listen to me, and that’s it.

Midst

In the midst of everything. 

What do I do? 

That’s the question when there are just too many things to finish and I don’t even know where to start. Should I do my Computer Lab assignment, or should I work on my research paper, and how about writing something for my personal blog. 

I am just lost. I know I need to start somewhere. But where? That scared me. I know how it feels when there is nothing to do. I’m even afraid of boredom, of having free time. There was a time when I kept crying every single day because freedom made me think about negative situations. Now, when I imagine what would it be like when I submitted all of my university applications and homework, and it would take a long time for me figure out what to do. I would be lost. 

In the midst of everything, even though it is stressful – sometimes I cry not because I am sad or angry or disappointed, but just because I don’t know how I am supposed to deal with all my problems. But I love it.

I got annoyed sometimes when I have too many assignments to do, but still stuck at the Writing Center, at work, especially when there is nobody wanting help from us. I always think about how much time I have wasted when just sitting there doing nothing. However, day by day, I learned more and more from the people who go there. It is funny when every time I finish a session with a student, I ask myself how to do mine. I could do others, but not mine! But I love that feeling because I don’t just learn how to write in the Writing Center, but learning how to adjust myself in different situations. It freaks me out sometimes when I have to work with Americans, especially those who seem to know about the subjects more than me. I would always feel like I am no better than them, how do I help? 

The one moment that I love about today is when I was working with this lady on her Tech assignment. I don’t know why she went to the Writing Center to ask for help on Tech homework, but I could help her, and that makes me feel more confident about my own future path! Awesome things happen every day!

But after a while, everything is fine. And I find joy in every moment I was there. Despite the pile of homework and university applications. I found joy in the air of the Writing Center, and in words. 

Hmm

I cried for a little bit today. I know why, but I also don’t really know why. It’s just there is this burden on me that I cannot carry all the time, and I got tired, and I cried. I mean, I was laughing so hard, too, when I was with people in our small groups. It was fun.

We talked about sins today. About how we all are greedy and selfish and these things make us become worse and worse in the eyes of God. We just want to put ourselves first without really considering the consequences of doing that.

That is true. I am learning to control myself. I am trying to think about a problems many times before actually saying anything. I want to solve my things with others from a more objective perspective. I use the time walking on the street to talk to myself about what others do that I am not comfortable about. I keep talking and talking until I reached my destination, and then I would stop. Nobody would know, while I would feel better. I don’t want to blame anyone, because that way I’m sinful.

Walking makes all the differences. But I guess I still need to work more on my time-management skill, because I realized I didn’t have enough time to do all of my homework today. I hope I could finish it soon, because I want to have a good night’s sleep and have enough energy for a long day tomorrow.

I cried for a bit, and know I am typing. Everything will be fine, because I have tried my best, and because there are greater things waiting for me at the end of this journey.

Good night.