write and recharge my battery

I have been…

Running more lately.

Reading more lately.

Working out more lately.

I am becoming better in many things – finishing homework before bedtime, being on time for work and classes, being open to advice from others, and changing those few bad habits bit by bit every day.

But the weather has not been nice to me. It takes all my energy, leaving me with this emotion mess. But I assume there are still ways to get out of it without moving to somewhere warmer.

Be optimistic.

That sounds counterintuitive, I know! But isn’t that all we need to be happy? It’s truly hard for an introvert like me to work in groups and talk with people at work and class all day long. I always imagine that every second when I open my mouth to speak, my energy slips out of my body.

That does not mean I will lock myself up forever to preserve my energy. I think after a while, a long while of encountering people for different reasons, I have learned to expand my limitation. I still need time to think through things before sharing them with teammates, but I also learned to initiate conversations in groups. Those “turn to your neighbors and discuss this problem” no longer seems to be annoying, but rather a way for me to use my energy sufficiently to learn from friends, I suppose.

Today, I read this great, great paper of a guy in his English Composition class. What I loved about it was how his sentences were fragmented, but they also connected so well. The structure was not something teachers teach at school, but it’s how he communicate with English, with the world. And that fascinated me.

Today, I realized that there is always this feeling in me that bothers me so much. That I am different stops me from telling those who care for me my thoughts. I always assume people will judge me for who I am and for what I do.

I never get to test if that is true. I might be able to find joy in those moments of sharing, but may I have a little bit more time? More time for me to process my thoughts, to be sure of what I think, to keep those precious thinkings for myself.

Because they’re all I have.

Those words you said, they hurt me. I would love to walk instead of taking the Uber, because I think it’s a great way to be closer with nature and with my mind. Yes, you might say I make way more money than you and I am stingy, but forty-five minutes walking under that cozy weather energizes me. I know there were other ways to do things, but I wanted to use that walking-running time to talk more with my housemate. Perspectives are dangerous and are something you cannot judge. So I beg you, for once, just listen to me, and that’s it.

Focus on your breath only

That was my assignment today.

You are to focus on your breath only. For five minutes. Again, doing only that, and not falling asleep.

So I did. In the midst of school and work, this seems to me like a waste of time. Sitting there and just breathing?! But because it was a part of my homework, so I did it anyway, and after all I realize how many things I have missed just because I focus on “checking off my to-do list” rather than “living the moment”. I closed my eyes for five minutes:

  • Hmm… I still have too many assignments due today.
  • Hmm… I want to have more time to read.
  • I will workout everyday this week. My body is exhausted.
  • I want to improve my writing and spend more time on coding.
  • Why 5 minutes seem so longggg???

My mind wandered everywhere, being buried because of my stresses. However, at the same time I also realized:

  • I can do everything in 5 minutes, but I can also do nothing.

So why don’t just sit back and relax. Sit back and have a look at what I have done, rather than being panic about what I have not done YET. Focus on this moment only.

Focus on how many people I have talked to this week that I have never talked to before. Isn’t it true that only when I set my businesses aside, I have time to share with others about my days? Focus on how many places I have always wanted to go to? Isn’t it true that only when I stop thinking about my school, work, and extracurricular activities that I have time to go? So what is the purpose of worrying, of not living this moment?

The sun is up there, even though it is cold, but it is a great day. A great day because I woke up early to see sunrise, because I went to the gym and ran half an hour, because I called my parents after a long busy week, and because I focus on my breath instead of following my crazy mind.

It is this moment that I should praise the Lord for giving me another breath-in second, for letting me living this life.

Sick or homesick

I haven’t been sick for the past two years. People said I have dealt with many different types of sickness that there are no common germs that can have a big impact on me any more. But now I am having a cold, cannot do anything. Mid-terms are coming, and I’m laying on my bed.

I’m tired and confused because this is my very first time having a cold at a different place other than my parents’ house. Even though I know exactly what to do – how many hours I should sleep, what I should eat, and what I should prevent doing and eating – it is still hard because I miss the way people care for me when I did not feel well.

Mom usually doesn’t care too much. She would be the very last person who asks if I was not feeling well. But she cooks all the good food in this world, so I was blessed. Dad paid attention to every small details. Every morning before going to work, he would go to my room and talk to me for a bit, as well as checking if I look good or have a fever. Many times I used to think this was overprotective and annoying, but because I am homesick, I miss it anyway.

My sister was eight when I left her to study abroad. To Dad, she was the warmest and most light-hearted person he had never seen, compared to me. I was more an introvert and have a richer inner life, while my sister was the opposite. I was a perfectionist while my sister loved making mistakes. We have never been a good match. However, she cared anyways. She would notice every details, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she actually said what she was thinking. I might not as caring to others as her, though. I miss her right now, because she was such a blessing and a cute little girl.

I barely call them, these days. We all are really busy. I told them I am sick, and on the phone I know they care. But it’s solely a cold. Not anything huge to specifically care about. I would try not to have any serious types of sickness, because that would be a disaster.

I need a good night sleep tonight, although that might be hard because I have been sleeping a lot the last two days. I have a psychology mid-term coming up, and it is truly hard. I don’t really know how to deal with it. I would try again today, and again tomorrow. It will be due tomorrow. And there will be another exam coming up next Wednesday. I can do this. I would be patient. I would try my best and wait for the result.

I would have a good night of sleep.

praise the Lord for another living day.