I want to be like Elizabeth Bennett, the main character in Pride and Prejudice. I want to be more like her, and not only her but all the strong women I have known. The women who didn’t and don’t and won’t buy into society’s expectations. The women that made a difference however small and large that can be. I admire Elizabeth Bennett because she was playful and intelligent. Because her impertinence and straightforwardness didn’t place her lowly but make me see through the loneliness she was bearing for being the only one that looked for love in a society where found marriage the means out of poverty. Marriage as the destiny of life. Settling down to be sacred. I can’t stand that.
Yet, in a way, I can. I have always visioned my life at its peak during my 20s, and once I find a man and do all sorts of things that get me and him under one roof, I’ll be “done”. I have always imagined my life beyond that to be peaceful. To be stable. To be satisfying. Then, I’ll die with “good innings.” Urg! Pathetic. I can’t say for sure but maybe that’s what I want. Maybe I want to be like someone who ends up well, not someone who is actually brave and intelligent. And if that is true, I want to take the steering wheel and turn on a different road, a different direction, or turn around. Whatever it takes, I want to restore myself, to restore the me that is brave and adventurous and wants to make change and will live to the fullest until she is thirty and forty and fifty and it wouldn’t even matter if she gets married or not. It will still be fine.
My old roommate once told me she wished to settle down and get married. I might get her wrong (and correct me if it’s wrong when you read this), but I remember she said she wanted to use the time in college to find that person, whoever that is. At that point she appeared to me a person who planned so far ahead with visions so different from mine. I thought, “good for you, not for me.”
A couple months later, she went to Seattle. A couple days later, she left again for a few days. She said she applied for a teaching job. “Okay.” A couple weeks past, we sat down, and she told me she was going to the army. More than a year of basic training and whatever else that will get her to hold a role in the US Army. I sat there, silent. I was proud of her. The many reasons that will get her there, in the army, going across the country and then back, whatever they are, I was proud and still am. It was mind-blowing to see a person who used to worry about not settling down soon to make such a leap of faith. And I want to support her in any way I can.
So there, that’s my deepest secret and thoughts pouring out in this blog. I want to say it out loud to prevent myself from falling into such a trap: an Asian trap that makes me furious so many times. I am getting into my 20s, and I see it coming for me. Let me say it again: I want to be like the strong and brave and intelligent women, because I want to make a difference and to live to the fullest. Family and kids, let’s see. I will fall in love, but falling in love because everyone else expects me so, to me, is a shame. It’s as simple as that.
By the way, what’s up with people who leave on social media such comments as “this girl is both smart and pretty”? It’s a normal thing to be smart and pretty at once. Let me repeat it once more: IT IS NORMAL TO BE SMART AND PRETTY.
Progress on packing: successfully sold and donated a LOT of clothes. Also, I have thrown out 2 big bags of trash/old stuff and I am storing another gigantic box of things to go to Value Village. I think I’m getting there 🙂
Progress on life: uhhh haha uhhh not sure. It’s going somewhere, my life. I just don’t know where.