A missed call. An un-replied text. An act of kindness ignored.
It is easy to ask, “what have I done wrong,” when someone neglect your care and yourself.
My circle of friends is small, and with that I have little doubt over our mutual relationships. I believe as life goes on, friends grow apart, but that doesn’t mean we stop seeing each other as someone we hold dear. As one who prefers solitude, especially during Covid-19, I admit that sometimes I appear ignorant and not interested in what’s going in my friends’ life. But asking, “what have I done wrong,” is rarely my thing.
And today I did.
I wanted to shrug it off. To say it’s great that my friend is finding peace in someone else’s presence. To be happy that she has her own circle of friends during Covid-19. To be supportive and keep encouraging here anyway.
But I checked my heart again and again and find it hurts and I admit that it does feel uneasy. I try to bury this down but all I can think of is I’m losing her over someone who is either more fun or less caring. “Less worthy” is the nasty phrase I cannot ignore my soul whispering. “What have I done wrong and how could I do it differently?”
I know there’s nothing wrong with me or with her or with anyone else. Or maybe there is… but that is our personal problems and friendship growing apart is rather the matter of each person is finding what we need. I might need her or I might want to be the friend that be there for her when she first lives by herself, but that doesn’t mean it will work the other way. It can be a two-way road, but it can be enough with just one lane.
I could finally get her to hang out with me. I know she is not doing well and she has been avoiding her friends (me and other girls). I’ll ask how she’s doing and if I can help.