I have stared at this blank page for an hour now, trying to think of something philosophical and sophisticated about life, about people, about ideas that human come up with, only to realize that my mind is too heavy for such thing. So let me be real, just like always.
Today’s topic is about today. A couple of phone calls. Small talks. Music on the road. My chest is heavy and tight. My mind clouded and negative thoughts keep pouring out. How come I am so good at making dumb choices?
It was hard to look at Sam and not feel jealous. If only I could play in the garden day in day out, find joy in a splash of water, and cry when I am hurt. I was also jealous because he is an American, and no matter where he goes, he will have the rights to go back to this country, while I have to leave, sooner or later. I am devastated.
I want to feel grateful, but it is not effortless. I have listed out a few truths, such as I will be fine, I can be sad and still have my privileges, my status in America might be affected, but I’m still a global citizen and I will thrive. I know the truths, of course, but may I just pause and validate my own griefs? May I just for a moment feel the feelings and be truthful, even though words coming out are vulnerable, and on the market that is considered weak.
So there, I am weak. More than ever, I want to pour the words out to people I love, but I find none who can help without saying “it will be fine.” I find myself isolated, and I don’t blame anyone. I don’t blame life. I don’t blame the government or the school. I don’t blame myself for making the wrong choices. I just want to absorb everything and let it be.
I listened to a sermon today, and the main thing I can remember is that when a lady asked Mother Theresa if she could pray for life clarification, because her life at the time was coming to a dead-end and she needed God’s guidance for a way out, and Mother Theresa refused to do so. Mother said that she had stopped asking God for such thing. If anything, it is Trust that one should prays for.
So I, right now, am praying for Trust. I want to trust in God and his plan. I want to lift everything up to him, and let it be.
😞 I set a goal to get my driver’s license yesterday, and the day after that I know for sure that goal can never be achieved because I’m already out of status and I have no proof of identity. I’m so doomed. (Don’t worried, yet, because I still have 30 days to stay in America legally.)
✅ Ran 2 miles
✅ Cleaned my room. Now it looks like I’m moving out. I’ll have to look through stuff again to see what I can sell and donate.