Reality isn’t so nice. It’s easier said than done, as one is often reminded, and a habit isn’t built over night.
I have many dreams for my life, and as a person who buys into the value of self-discipline and tries to live up to certain self-expectation, I often find myself disappointed of how I spend my time.
Over the last week, I was fully aware of how much I spent time on social media, so I set out to block some sites such as Facebook.com Instagram.com on my laptop. I know for a fact that my disappearance doesn’t change the world. Not like anyone is going to need me urgently. But I still occasionally sneaked my way around it. I would set a timer and ignore it, or I would use Chrome Incognito Window. If only I use my brilliant brain in doing something else rather than cheating MYSELF!
Feeling that I’m not “respecting” my time isn’t enough. I have proof.
Above is my weekly screen time summary. ISN’T IT ABSURD THAT I PLAY CANDY CRUSH SAGA 7 HOURS A WEEK? Yes I have won approximately 200 rounds in a week, that’s why I kept playing. One time I win 10+ rounds on my first attempt, and thus I have 6 lives for the whole hour. Notice that Messenger and Instagram aren’t on it (I have never used Facebook app and I had (made an effort to) not use the web one) because I deleted the apps this morning when I saw the stats, but for the record Messenger and Instagram add up to another 8 hours in the week.
8 hours on each Candy Crush Saga and another 8 on Instagram. That’s two full work days. And I was just doing no-thing.
And reading was only 3 of that 30. And that hasn’t included my time on laptop (which is as long as 9 hours a day, with the occasional attempts to type m (for messenger.com) and f (for facebook.com)). And oh there were that one time I did a little research on addiction and downloaded flappy bird to try if it’s really additive (it was).
Crazy, crazy time.
So, I’m pointing my weaknesses out right here, not because I have nothing else to do and only want others to humiliate me, but because I want to public what I wasn’t proud of. And hopefully that will get me further in trying to break the bad habits of quarantine days.
I’m not pointing out these problems without a solution. Over the days at home, I also understand myself more. I know that motivation isn’t one I should rely on, because on days like this week, when I get exhausted because of Covid-19 and George Floyd protests, I don’t have motivation. But there is still the work to do and the things to learn. I learned also another lesson. As I mentioned above, habits aren’t built overnight. Excluding ones such as brushing my teeth or eat some meals a day, there is one thing I never fail to do every day, no matter how little or much is my time spent doing it.
Yes. Yeah sounds like me huh? But even I myself am surprised by this. I took notice of nights when I came home after a day full of work from 6 am to 10pm, and I just-couldn’t-sleep if I skip the reading part. It seemed like something is missing. It seemed absurd to sleep without such ritual. So I opened my book, and read for maybe 10 minutes (which is embarrassingly too short), and get that contentment as though I didn’t have to feel tired ever again. (That sounds nice but kinda a lie.)
I has had that habit since over 3 years ago.
And not just reading. There are other habits too. Ones that I have to be intentional about. Like exercising or writing like this. Ones that I don’t want to do altogether such as cleaning the bathroom or turning in that one weekly homework on time. But I have seen myself capable of forming a good habit, and I am determined to keep going.
So I tried out different things. I use Be Focused to set timer of 25 minutes and try to focus on the one and only designated task. A 5-minute break after each 25-minute, and a 15-minute break after 4 25-minute. Yes break that sentence down and you’ll see what I mean 🙂
Trying out Be Focused today, I realized that I could finish a lot of things quickly if I concentrate (yes, a fact everyone talks about). I finished three-day homework in a morning (don’t ask me about quality, I don’t know) and have lots free time to do other things without worrying about deadlines. I hope to continue this, and will certainly update more on what I do, because I want to share and because I want to keep myself accountable. You can’t unsay what you have said online.