I would not be here for long. I thought I would, and I still love the place, but I would not be here long enough to make me feel too comfortable and afraid of changes and challenges.
I just move out and officially am living on my own without any guardian. And I was scared for a moment when going around the grocery store and realizing that now I will have to truly make three meals a day for myself and not eat out too much. I just bought a couch and four chairs for the house, a mattress and comforter and sheet sets for my bedroom, and they all make me feel nervous about how I will soon be taking care of myself entirely. That sounds scary.
But it’s good because I have friends that would do it with me. I told Sophia earlier, “Life feels so much better with Friends.”
– … and friends. I mean both.
Because we both like Friends the sitcom, and we are friends.
And yes in me there is this firstborn’s personality that makes everything seem to be ten times funnier. I would remember my roommates’ schedules and would ask why they’re not home yet. And I feel that I am actually becoming like my grandma being worried when her kids are not home. I know I would have to stop because we are all adults haha.
And yes my life also gets so much busier these days. Four days after I was back from Vietnam. Right after that 36-hour journey home, I started packing to move to the new place, started finishing off all the applications for the house and for other things, and also started cleaning up. Classes aren’t fun. One of my teacher, who is the most understanding person ever, sent me an email after my first day absent from class asking if I would need assistance. That freaks me out a little bit because I was all fine and he seems to think I am not fine and that makes me wonder if I am really fine. Anyway, I would not say I have a good start because I am clearly so tired and can pass out just any moment, but I feel optimistic about what the future has to offer.
When I think more about me moving out of my old house to the new place with friends, I think of how I am getting more comfortable — I now have friends that I can share things with and that would listen to me. And I just don’t want to get comfortable because that’s when I stop growing.
I don’t want to fall behind, because the world keeps moving. I don’t want to be excluded.
But I would spend enough time living in Bellingham. I thought it was funny how my friend asked me, “Don’t you want to see the world?” when I said I didn’t want to move far from here. It was like my boss telling me how to think in two languages when she doesn’t know how and I have been so fluent in doing so. I do want to see the world, but the world would turn out to be just like a movie we watch from afar if I just keep moving. At some point, I have to stop and observe the people living in a place, to know that there are so much deeper things to learn about.
That’s what it is. The more I stay in America, the more of its reality I face and understand and get to mix with my old culture. And it’s when I know the world is just so much bigger than just the United States. It is not my final destination. It should not be. It should just be a place where I learn when I am young but also old enough to learn, and it should just be it.
Therefore, I would not stop moving.