It’s 8:50. Friday night. I’m rolling on my twin bed (which means I’m not rolling at all because a twin bed is tiny). It’s been a long time since I actually feel good in my room and can relax. It’s been a long time since I go to bed early and have enough sleep. I didn’t read or write lately, part of it is because I write so many essays for classes and for work. Another part is because I’m just tired and lazy. Today I’m definitely tired. I had 5 hours of sleep last night, and I just had a lot going on this whole day. I’m glad I finished them all. I’m glad that even though tomorrow I will again have other commitments, other things that will stop me from studying for finals and I would be anxious because of that, I still have a bit of time today to look back what I have done so far.
Everything is still a mess. Or you can say everything is still a mystery, from a different perspective.
But that is okay. I never hope my life to be filled with only good stuffs. I hope challenges will teach my to learn from the moment.
I wore a dress that has dinosaurs on it today. It was nice enough that a girl like me who feel cold almost all the time can wear a nice dress and play frisbee outside. It was nice enough for me to feel happy and energized.
I don’t actually know what’s happening to my life. I’m just really busy, and the days pass by really fast. I learn a whole lot about American history and about the Vietnam War. I learn a lot about God and history in the Bible. I learn more about myself. I learn that who I have always thought myself to be was not me at all. I am different from what I assumed myself to be.
It’s a Friday night. I do feel disappointed about things. I do at times feel empty and do not know what are the next steps. I am afraid of my choices. I am afraid that the more I unwrap myself, the more I see someone inside me who is strange and mysterious. I am not used to it at all.
I feel hopeless, too. What I need to do and what I am capable of doing have a big gap in between. I want to be those people who always have things to say, but I also don’t want to turn into a person not knowing how to listen. Many times I have to stop in the midst of craziness to remind myself to listen to others, to stop putting my thoughts above everything. Many times I forget my values. Many times I am hopeless of seeing myself not measuring up to who I have always wanted to be.
But I do love my life. I have met so many awesome people in my life who help me and love me. I have learned a lot at school, from people, and also at home. I will play piano again and maybe play frisbee more. It’s spring time. It’s fun time. I realized I couldn’t catch frisbee because the weather was cold. It’s nice today, and I did pretty well.