Sinking sand no more

Let Jesus be Jesus. Seek our security, love, and pride in Him. Because only when we do that, we can stop seeking Jesus in other human beings, stop chasing after Jesus-image in flawed creatures.

They are — I am and you are — all flawed. Even though they read the Bible, they follow God’s words, they obedient, whatever they may do, they will still be flawed. Their hearts will, at some points, be greedy and manipulative, trying to search for what they need in those who cannot provide, just like King Hezekiah believed his Kingdom would be secured in the hand of Babylon.

As responsibilities are like big heavy blocks, I keep putting them on myself, and keep seeing me as the sinking sand, cannot bear the weight and slowly become weaker and weaker, until I am nothing more than just broken pieces.

I forgot to let God be God. I forgot Jesus was and is a human being, just like us, but bigger and perfect. But loving, caring, and just.

I fell asleep when reading through Job. Man, it’s real hard. Hands down. Anyway, I woke up feeling as though my body is bearing a weight that might crush me. Hard breathing. Hardly able to move. Sad and hopeless.

And I just really don’t understand why.

Those dreams, perhaps. Those dreams about that one person. Those dreams about seeing myself fail from doing something. Those dreams. But I cannot control myself. I cannot tell myself, “Hey, let’s just have a dreamless night, because I’m tired.” I can just take it as it is. Wake up tired. Wake up hopeless. Wake up seeking security in other human beings and in myself.

I wish I was better. I wish I could do more than just this.

It’s 8:36AM. I have homework, chores, one-on-ones, other commitments and responsibilities. It’s a morning when I feel I am unworthy. That I am not as good as I wish myself to be. I am not a thoughtful person. I am not a diligent student. I am neither a loving and caring friend nor a good leader.

I am unworthy. Because I compare myself with someone very different. Because I think of God as a Father who will leave that one lost sheep behind, while in actuality He left the ninety-nines to find me. In actuality, I am His daughter. And He is waiting for me to put my weight on Him.

And I will.

Of course I will.

Published by Thi Le


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