The fourth of January

They tell me to be careful. I just really don’t know what to do anymore.

My heart says, “Hey, that is nothing. Everything is normal.”

My mind says, “Hey, don’t be silly. You have to look at the situation closer!”

And I cannot actually control. I know I am stubborn, that no one can actually tell me to do anything. However, sometimes I do want to listen to others’ advice. This time, they give me none. They respect me. And I am lost.

Geographic distance means a lot to relationships. When I don’t get to know what family and friends do every day, I don’t get to understand what they think, what they need, and what they want. I don’t get to be close to them, and that changes everything. I don’t know how to solve problems anymore.

My mind now is a mix of everything. I am happy with history, with geology, and with public speaking. I am also happy with work and my leadership role. But I’m also afraid. I don’t know what they future is holding, except that I have to try and try today, without getting any answer back. The answers take my patience until it reveals.

I think I lost my sense of sharing. I don’t know how to share what I feel anymore, or at least I don’t feel like I need to. I think I just have too many concerns, that I just give away a portion of it, and that means people don’t actually get to know what’s going on in my life. I have just too many concerns that I think people don’t understand, and I refuse to share them with anyone.

Sometimes, I do become really lonely.

I am lost in the pool of choices. I want this and that. I want to be bigger but also smaller. If I have to pick for now, without knowing what the future holds, I cannot. I am sure, though, that I try my best in anything, because I believe eventually I will have good choices to choose from.

Published by Thi Le


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